Today we are going to talk about a subject that is still very taboo, that is to say: what to do when your partner doesn’t want children, even though you want them? Should you convince him or her or should you resign yourself? Our psychologists have therefore thought of offering you some advice on this issue.
Couple without children: still out of the ordinary
“They lived happily ever after and had many children. This sentence, which ends many children’s stories, is evocative of the pressure that society puts on us to have children when we become adults and form a couple with a partner. But it’s not always a fairy tale situation.
Even if you are in perfect love with your partner, if one of you doesn’t want a child and the other does, it can be a real shadow over your relationship. This shadow follows you around and the conflicts it causes can put your relationship at risk. Even today, even if the model of the “traditional family” tends to evolve more and more, the logical continuation for a happy couple is to found a family. This is what society dictates. Couples without children can attest to the number of times they have been asked why they don’t have any yet…
The importance of setting the record straight
As a couple, it’s important to be clear about whether or not you want to have children. There are many reasons why a partner may not want to have children, including :
- A non-existent maternal/paternal instinct;
- A thirst for freedom;
- The professional situation and the desire the career;
- The financial situation and the costs associated with a child;
- A difficult family history (divorce, abuse, etc.);
- A feeling of anxiety or fear related to parental responsibilities.
These reasons may be behind your partner’s refusal to have children and start a family. It is important to ask your partner questions in order to get a clearer idea of his or her position. This will certainly help you determine if he or she is adamantly refusing, or if his or her position could change.
In general, it’s a good idea to bring up the subject with your partner as soon as your relationship becomes serious. This will avoid unpleasant surprises.
Respect your partner’s choice and avoid making hasty decisions
Having a child implies many changes in the life of a couple, and this should not be overlooked. You must listen to your partner’s needs, but also to your own needs.
The experience of our psychologists shows that it is very seldom advantageous for one partner to force the other to make such a big decision, as you cannot let someone else decide for you. Couples who engage in this dynamic sooner or later end up paying the price, whether it is within their couple or in their family life.
In short, let’s remember that the love we have for ourselves, including our desires and the “life path” we plan for ourselves, must not be in contradiction with the love we have for our partner. If we forget our own desires and put aside our maternal/fatherly instincts in favour of the relationship with our partner, the desire to have children may end up catching up with us.
The support of the psychologist
Psychological intervention can be relevant in the life of a couple for several reasons. The desire (or not) to have a child within the couple is one of the reasons for consultation.
The intervention of a psychologist, or a third party, can help to address this difficult conversation in a healthy way, without falling into personal attacks. This conversation within a couple is essential and should not be neglected. Each person must take the time to express themselves, but also to listen and take into consideration the desires and arguments of the other. In addition, the psychologist’s intervention can bring to light “buried” causes that could explain the refusal of one or the other of the partners, while helping the other to better understand his or her position.
If there is a need within your relationship, the psychologists at Clinique GO™ are there to offer the support you may need to address thorny issues in a healthy way. The desire to have children and start a family is one of them!
Approuvé par Francis Desjardins
