In Quebec, the separation of a couple with children remains a fairly frequent event. It is estimated that 4 out of 10 families experience a separation at one time or another. Even if parents decide that they are no longer in love, they must still remain a parental figure to their offspring, providing guidance and seeing to the needs of the children in a healthy way.
The social workers at Clinic GO™, who can provide mediation services to families going through a separation, offer some tips below.
Think of the children’s well-being first!
To help children cope with the ordeal that a separation represents, we must first provide them with the necessary supervision for their well-being, but also so that they feel emotionally secure. In this sense, as an adult, we must put aside potential conflicts with the other parent in order to remain available for the children.
The children do not need to be confronted with the problems that the separation causes us, as adults. We must therefore try to put aside the marital problem when necessary.
Explain the separation to the children, at the right time and in the right words
Children need to be told about the situation the family is facing. This is especially important when you are ready to have this conversation and when you have worked out with the other parent how the separation will work and how it will affect the children’s lives (see next section). The children may have felt the separation coming, or they may have heard bits and pieces of the conversation, especially if they are older… However, it is still important to take the time to talk about it as a family and to make an effort to communicate clearly what is happening.
“We’re breaking up because we don’t love each other anymore, but we’re going to keep loving you forever”. Be clear and honest, but still comforting to the children.
Think about family rules and changes in the children’s daily routine that will follow the separation
Before dealing with the situation of separation with the children, it is important as a parent to set up simple rules and to think about the small details of everyday life. The impact of the separation on the children’s daily lives must be well anticipated. In particular, it is important to plan the respective times of custody, the responsibilities of each person with regard to school activities, leisure activities, medical appointments, etc. This way, you are prepared to answer any questions or concerns the children may have. They will feel well taken care of, despite the separation situation, and will have less of a feeling that their lives are being disrupted.
It is advisable to discuss the separation in more detail with the children once these important points have been discussed between parents.
Maintaining a healthy relationship with the other parent for the sake of the children
Separation can cause negative emotions or resentment towards the former life partner, but these should not be made to be felt by the children. The parents’ conflict should not become a conflict that includes the children. In this sense, here are some tips to keep in mind:
- Avoid speaking ill of the other parent in front of the children;
- Avoid speaking badly about the other parent to another adult while the children are present;
- Find people to talk to who are not the children, if you need to talk about the separation. This allows for “venting” without involving the children;
- Continue to provide the necessary guidance to the children, despite the difficult situation they are going through: rules, discipline, highlighting special events, etc.
- Establish clear rules with the other parent regarding aspects such as discipline or permissions, in order to prevent squabbles that explode in front of the children.
It’s important to remain a good parent figure to the children, even if you feel like you’ve “lost it” with the separation. It is still possible to maintain a healthy relationship with the children.
The social worker and family mediation
Social workers are professionals who can intervene with a wide variety of clients when they are going through a complex social situation. Of course, for a family going through a separation, this is a complex situation!
In family mediation, the social worker intervenes to support and guide the parents in a context of separation, in order to help them make judicious choices for the well-being of their children and to enable them to exercise their parental role. The professional, who is external to the situation, helps to sort things out and to put aside the intense emotions that may arise. They take into account the best interests of both parents and the children.
If you need the advice of our social workers following a separation, ask for a virtual social work consultation. This service is available throughout Quebec.
Approuvé par Francis Desjardins
